When Life Doesn’t Go As Planned (And Everyone Else Is Posting Baby Pictures)
There's a unique kind of grief that comes with watching life unfold differently than you planned.
Recently, I hosted a belated Mother's Day BBQ at my house—good food, competitive board games, and the best company. I loved our time together.
At the same time, Mother's Day is a holiday that brings up complicated feelings for me.
At the same time, Mother's Day is a holiday that brings up complicated feelings for me.
Five years ago, my husband and I started the journey of trying to grow our family, but to skip to the punchline: we do not have kids.
So each year when Mother's Day rolls around, I'm genuinely excited to celebrate my mom and all the other amazing moms in my life, but there's also a pang of disappointment and grief that's unavoidable.
It was in our first year of trying that we visited a fertility clinic, and, luckily, Colorado is known to have some of the best in the country. It was there, however, I learned that the “best in the country” did not mean the kindest or most empathetic in the country. It was quite the opposite, in fact, as the doctor delivered her harsh analysis of my age and our collective test results.
Over the next few years, we chose to stay positive and continued to try. We tried many different things to support our journey and heeded all of the different advice, including changing diets and acupuncture, and—my favorite—to "not stress”.
But after five years of trying and holding out hope, while simultaneously holding our breath, our fur baby Bentley is the only baby in our lives (and he sure is cute).
But after five years of trying and holding out hope, while simultaneously holding our breath, our fur baby Bentley is the only baby in our lives (and he sure is cute).
At 43 years old, this is not where I thought I'd be. But here we are.
I know that condensing the years of emotions and efforts we've given to this journey to just a few short paragraphs in this newsletter probably leaves more questions than anything, and perhaps it's a story I'll share in more detail another day.
But today, I want to talk about what it feels like when life doesn't go as planned, and we feel like we're behind.
I think we're all longing for something we don't have. A piece of the puzzle that is missing for us. Even those who seemingly have it all together.
I think we're all longing for something we don't have. A piece of the puzzle that is missing for us. Even those who seemingly have it all together.
Whether it's a fertility journey like mine, finding your soulmate, achieving your career goals, buying a home, or other life aspirations you might have, there's a persistent, silent pressure whispering to us that we're behind and that we should have it figured out by now.
Baby announcements, engagement rings, dream vacations…Seeing these things being celebrated by others in our lives invites the delicate balance of being truly happy for them with the quiet ache of wondering: Why not me?
Here's what I know is true: You can be deeply grateful for what you have and still carry grief for what hasn't come to pass or worked out like you'd imagined.
I wish life were linear, and I wish it always felt fair. But there are things in life that are beyond our control.
What we can control is our inner narrative.
What we can control is our inner narrative.
Our worth is not defined by our timelines, and our value is not measured by what we've accomplished by a certain age. Our lives are not less meaningful because they look different than what we imagined, or different than someone else's life. (…and you can know all of this to be true, and still give yourself grace if you're sad.)
I don't have a bow to tie around my story yet, and sitting here today, I don't know where it's all headed.
I do know I love my life as it is, and I hold happiness and gratitude for what I have. I feel lucky to say that, while also recognizing it's required intention and effort on my part.
There's strength in continuing to show up for a life that hasn't gone according to plan—to make what we can of it and control what we can control.
And to find happiness and love that I know is available to each of us.
If you feel behind, maybe it's because your story is still unfolding. The chapters you haven't lived yet might hold the kind of magic you never expected. Keep. Showing. Up.
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About the author: Kelly (Underell) Stevens is an alignment coach and speaker dedicated to helping women leaders and entrepreneurs grow their impact and live life on their own terms by giving them the tools to choose less and show up for themselves. Learn more at www.kellystevens.co.